After making the decision to retire from the healthcare industry, I realized it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Fast forward, it has now been over a year and I thought I found peace. However, there were other things that was disturbing my mental health unbeknownst to me. I didn’t know what it was, why would I have any problems? I’m no longer in a toxic environment or working with toxic people in a soul sucking culture of covert racist. However, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I’m not as motivated as I should be. I have freed myself from the operating room and a company with no patient care intent. I should be happy! So, I continued living my days overthinking and undervaluing the road I was on. I decided to seek therapy.

One year later I found out what was going on inside my head and the self-sabatoge I constructed on my career change journey. After a couple of therapy sessions, I was diagnosed with workplace/job PTSD. What? That statment flying out of her mouth, hit me in the face and knocked me on my ass. I was surprised by my diagnosis because I left that space, and I assumed I left it all behind. However, after years of stress working in a toxic, microagressive (covert racism), and little to no care about work life balance type of environment, it hit me that I had no psychological safety. This revelation pleases me, because, I am no longer around poisonous people and made it to homebase.

I just assumed it was my fear of a new chapter, I’ve walked into head first. However, I made it and got the ball to the goal. But months of being in the pandemic, the compounded stress hit me all at once. I became frustrated, mentally exhausted, emotional, losing sleep and mad as a mad hatter. I could not figure out why I engulped this demeanor and behavior. I was in a better place mentally. I was starting a new life and changing my career, so what the hell was wrong with me?

Come to find out, stress catches up to you and reminds you why, even if you don’t know. I ended up having an overpowering psychological collision. After a decade of working in an environment that I adapted to, I was finally able to stop and breath. But my brain did not get a chance to process the damage and virulence of the workplace environment and organization that I experienced.

After my fourth therapy session, I came home and just sat down on the couch with water filled eyes. Day by day over the past few months, I started to feel better because the calamity died down. I was finally in a place where I did not feel overloaded or on the borderline of depression. The revelation about the residual jolt of a toxic workplace, is like cropping up from an disparging relationship.

Now that I have reflected on my experience and examined my thoughts, I let it go.

Being marred by past employment and workplace induced mental trauma is real. It can be tough, but remind yourself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.